Noodle has been coming in to sleep in our bed every night lately. Sleeping with her is like sleeping with an greedy, angry goat. She somehow manages to take up the whole bed, but also manages to spend the entire night just sleeping ON ME. Bucket usually abandons ship when she comes in, throws her doll over him and climbs in. Needless to say, I have not been very well rested the past few weeks.
The other night, Bucket and I watched the Red Sox until 11:30 or so. Just as he was saying, “I am so happy to have this whole big bed,” we heard her coming. He took her into her bed for the night, despite the fact that I offered to either sleep in her bed, or have her in ours. When he insisted, I didn’t argue. I was going to have a blissful night’s sleep with the whole queen bed to myself.
I fell asleep and then woke up about an hour later to the sound of a car alarm. I stumbled downstairs, but by the time I got there, it had stopped. We have had a wave of creepy skulkers in our neighborhood, and I was worried they were breaking into our car. One thing you should know is that I am paranoid about thievery, but in the middle of the night, I am paranoid about Everything. Suddenly, I realized that Creepy Intruders Were Trying To Break Into My Car To Steal My IPod. I tried zapping the car, but it didn’t work. It kept beeping at me because one of the children left their door ajar. I went to look in the basket where the iPod is kept, and IT WASN’T THERE.
So now I have to go outside to try to lock the car, but what about the creepy intruders? The burning desire to lock the door is eclipsing my fear of death at the hands of the creepy intruders, so I turn on the light and run to the car and lock it. Of course, there is no iPod. On the way back in, I remember the rat infestation in our neighborhood. Now I am no longer just afraid of the creepy intruders, but of a deadly intruder/rat combo. The intruders are going to bop me on the head, and as I am crawling back to the house, my blood streaming down the sidewalk, the rats are going to come flying out and chew my face off. Bucket will find me in the morning, my rigid corpse attacked by rats. I will surely die on my mission to rescue the iPod.
Believe it or not, I survive my 10-foot run to the car and back and stagger back upstairs, where I lie awake, wondering about the iPod. Did the kids lose it? Is it in my bag? Did the creepy intruders steal it? Did the rats eat it? Do we really need an iPod, anyway?
I fall asleep sometime around 2, and wake up again at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school. In the morning, I tell Bucket my tale of adventure and he holds up the iPod, which has been on the coffee table the whole time.
P.S. Last night I didn’t fall asleep until the middle of the night because that fucking Miley Cyrus We Can’t Stop song was in my head. Really, Miley? REALLY?!